Contempt goes beyond simple criticism or frustration; it’s a deep-seated attitude that conveys a lack of respect for one’s partner. This behavior can manifest in various ways, including:
Sarcasm and Mocking When one partner uses sarcastic comments or mocks the other’s thoughts, feelings, or actions, it’s a clear sign of contempt. These behaviors belittle the other person and can make them feel undervalued and disrespected.
Eye-Rolling and Sneering Non-verbal cues, such as eye-rolling or sneering, are powerful expressions of contempt. These gestures signal disdain and can be just as damaging as verbal insults, conveying that the other person’s opinions and feelings are not worth considering.
Hostile Humor Jokes at your partner’s expense, especially when made in front of others, are another form of contempt. While humor can be a positive force in relationships, using it to demean or criticize your partner is destructive and erodes trust.
Name-Calling and Insults Resorting to name-calling or hurling insults during disagreements is a blatant form of contempt. This behavior not only hurts your partner but also escalates conflicts, making it harder to resolve issues and move forward.
Impact of Contempt on Marriage
The presence of contempt in a marriage can have far-reaching consequences, affecting both the emotional and physical well-being of the partners involved. Some of the key impacts include:
Emotional Distance As contemptuous behaviors continue, they create a rift between partners. The constant negativity and lack of respect can cause one or both partners to withdraw emotionally, leading to a breakdown in communication and intimacy.
Decreased Trust Is essential in any marriage, but contempt undermines it by creating an environment where one partner feels belittled and disrespected. Without trust, it becomes difficult for couples to maintain a strong, healthy connection.
Increased Conflict Contempt often leads to more frequent and intense arguments. When one partner feels superior, they are less likely to listen or compromise, which can exacerbate conflicts and make resolution more challenging.
Physical Health Risks Research has shown that chronic exposure to negative emotions like contempt can have physical health consequences. Couples who experience high levels of contempt in their marriage may be at increased risk for stress-related health issues, such as high blood pressure and weakened immune function.
Strategies for Overcoming Contempt in Marriage
While contempt is a damaging behavior, it’s possible to overcome it with effort and commitment from both partners. Here are some strategies to help reduce contempt and rebuild a healthy relationship:
Practice Mutual Respect The foundation of any healthy marriage is mutual respect. Both partners should make a conscious effort to treat each other with kindness and consideration, even during disagreements. Acknowledging each other’s feelings and perspectives can go a long way in reducing contempt.
Improve Communication Skills Effective communication is key to resolving conflicts and reducing contempt. Couples should practice active listening, where they truly hear and understand each other’s point of view. Expressing feelings and needs calmly and respectfully can also help prevent contemptuous behaviors.
Seek Professional Help Couples therapy can be an invaluable resource for overcoming contempt in marriage. A skilled therapist can help partners identify the root causes of contempt and develop healthier communication patterns. Therapy also provides a safe space for partners to express their feelings and work through conflicts together.
Focus on Positive Interactions Regularly expressing appreciation and gratitude for your partner can help counteract feelings of contempt. By focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship, couples can create a more supportive and loving environment.
Work on Self-Awareness Recognizing your own contemptuous behaviors is the first step toward change. Reflect on how you interact with your partner and be honest about any negative patterns. Self-awareness allows you to make conscious efforts to improve your behavior and reduce contempt.
Why Choose Connected Brain Counseling?
At Connected Brain Counseling, we understand the challenges couples face when dealing with contempt in marriage. Our experienced therapists are dedicated to helping couples rebuild trust, improve communication, and strengthen their relationship. We offer a range of evidence-based techniques to help you and your partner overcome contempt and create a healthier, happier marriage.
Contempt in marriage is a destructive force that can severely damage a relationship if left unchecked. However, with dedication and the right strategies, it’s possible to overcome contempt and rebuild a strong, respectful partnership. At Connected Brain Counseling, we’re here to support you on this journey, offering expert guidance and compassionate care.
“The Four Horsemen: Contempt in Relationships,” The Gottman Institute. According to The Gottman Institute, contempt is one of the most destructive behaviors in relationships, often leading to emotional distance and a breakdown in communication.
“Contempt in Marriage: How It Erodes Your Relationship,” Verywell Mind. This article highlights the impact of contempt on marital health and provides practical tips for overcoming it.
If you and your partner are struggling with contempt in your marriage, contact Connected Brain Counseling for a free consultation. Our therapists are here to help you rebuild trust, improve communication, and strengthen your relationship.
Pauly is a Colorado native who received his MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Regis University, and is a current doctoral candidate for a PhD in Clinical Psychology program at Fielding Graduate University. Pauly is an empathetic counselor who believes in a compassionate, yet direct approach to therapy. Pauly believes his clients are the experts of their experience. Through a collaborative lens, clients who work with Pauly are able to gain meaningful insight into their experience which in-turn provides the essential resources for navigating change and/or healing emotional wounds. Pauly utilizes an integrated trauma-informed lens blended with evidence-based modalities including ACT, CBT, EFT, and more. Pauly specializes in working with adult individuals and couples, with several years of experience working directly with a broad range of presenting challenges including relationship challenges, PTSD & complex trauma, substance use disorders, mood disorders, personality disorders, and more. More importantly, Pauly believes in building a safe space in which each and every one of his clients feels seen & heard. Pauly identifies as a Latino-American, and is passionate about conducting therapy utilizing a social justice & diversity-informed lens. Pauly has a strong background working with multicultural identities, and believes in the importance of recognizing our unique differences. Pauly loves staying active through basketball, tennis, volleyball, hiking, dancing, strength training, and more. Additionally, Pauly spends time actively engaging in ongoing research projects in trauma, social justice, and neuropsychology.
Brianna believes in a holistic approach to counseling, integrating mind, body, and spirit in her work with clients. She strives to help clients weave the various aspects of their lives together through a collaborative approach, meeting her clients where they’re at and partnering with them to create lasting change and a greater sense of wholeness in their lives. Brianna seeks to create a grounding and non-judgmental space where clients can explore their thoughts, emotions, and experiences with freedom and authenticity. She embraces a variety of evidence-based treatment modalities to best meet her clients’ specific needs and goals, such as trauma-informed CBT, DBT, mindfulness-based techniques, solution-focused therapy, emotion-focused therapy, and humanistic approaches. In her work with couples, Brianna focuses on helping partners improve communication, strengthen their emotional connection, and navigate challenges such as conflict resolution, intimacy issues, and life transitions. She believes that life-giving, functioning relationships are foundational to a person’s sense of well-being. Brianna is certified in facilitating both SYMBIS and Prepare-Enrich couples counseling sessions. In her free time, she can often be found adventuring outside with her husband and pup, hosting a game night, or enjoying time with community.
I specialize in working with women in their 20s to 50s who struggle with self-worth, self-esteem, and the guilt that often comes with prioritizing themselves. Finding self-trust and the ability to feel worthy of happiness are common topics in my work. My clients tend to put off therapy because they downplay their struggles, describing their pain as ‘not that big of a deal.’ Many of them grew up in households where expressing emotions wasn’t encouraged and they are still looking for security now. My goal is to create a space where you feel completely free to be yourself—no pressure, no expectations. Therapy with me isn’t about either of us being ‘perfect’—it’s more about you feeling safe, seen, and supported as you figure things out in a way that works for you. I prioritize meaningful conversations that get to the heart of the issue, getting to the root and out of surface level conversation quickly. Going through my own therapy has given me a deeper understanding of what it’s like to be in the client’s seat, and it’s made me even more passionate about helping others find the support that truly works for them. My clients describe me as focused, compassionate, nonjudgmental, and down-to-earth. I truly love what I do and that comes through in my work! I’m a person-centered therapist, but I often integrate elements of Motivational Interviewing, CBT, and IFS.
I support adults and teens (15+) who are ready to find relief from trauma, anxiety, depression, or feeling stuck in life, career, or identity transitions. Using a compassionate, trauma-informed, and integrative approach, I help clients reconnect with themselves and move toward balance and resilience. I’m EMDR-trained and draw from person-centered, gestalt, DBT, and somatic practices. Whether we’re working with the nervous system, processing painful memories, or exploring patterns with curiosity, my goal is to create a safe, collaborative space where you feel supported, present, and empowered to grow. I especially enjoy working with athletes, creative people, students, and outdoor adventurers who value resilience, beauty, and balance. Alongside therapy and grounding practices, I also offer neurofeedback as another powerful pathway for nervous system regulation and healing. Outside the office, you’ll often find me climbing, fly fishing, running trails, foraging, or relaxing in the grass under the aspens. My love for movement, play, and nature continually inspires how I show up with clients.
