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Understanding Contempt in Relationships

Contempt in a relationship is one of the most destructive forces that can undermine a partnership. It goes beyond mere anger or frustration, often manifesting as disdain, mockery, or a sense of superiority over one’s partner. Recognizing and addressing contempt is crucial for the health and longevity of any relationship.

What is Contempt in a Relationship?

Contempt is a form of emotional abuse that involves belittling, insulting, or showing disrespect towards a partner. Unlike other negative emotions, contempt carries with it a sense of moral superiority, where one partner may view the other as inferior or unworthy. This can manifest through:

  • Sarcasm and Mockery: Making fun of your partner in a way that is meant to hurt or embarrass them.
  • Eye-Rolling or Sneering: Nonverbal cues that indicate disdain or disgust.
  • Dismissing Concerns: Ignoring or belittling your partner’s feelings, making them feel unimportant or invalid.
  • Name-Calling or Insults: Using derogatory language to address or describe your partner.

Causes of Contempt in Relationships

Contempt usually arises from unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, or ongoing frustrations that have been left unaddressed. Common causes include:

  • Long-Term Resentment: When issues go unresolved for a long time, resentment can build, leading to contempt.
  • Unmet Expectations: If one partner feels consistently let down or disappointed, they may begin to harbor contempt.
  • Power Imbalance: In relationships where one partner feels superior, contempt can become a way to assert dominance.
  • Poor Communication: Lack of effective communication can lead to misunderstandings, frustrations, and eventually, contempt.

Contempt in a RelationshipThe Impact of Contempt on Relationships

Contempt is incredibly damaging and can lead to a downward spiral in the relationship. Some of the negative effects include:

  • Erosion of Trust: Contempt breaks down the trust that is essential for any healthy relationship.
  • Increased Conflict: Contempt often leads to more frequent and intense arguments, as it breeds defensiveness and hostility.
  • Emotional Distance: Over time, contempt can create an emotional chasm between partners, making it difficult to reconnect or resolve issues.
  • Potential for Abuse: In extreme cases, contempt can escalate to more severe forms of emotional or even physical abuse.

How to Address and Overcome Contempt

Addressing contempt in a relationship requires a commitment from both partners to change their behavior and improve their communication. Steps to overcome contempt include:

  • Developing Empathy: Try to understand your partner’s perspective and validate their feelings. Empathy is a powerful antidote to contempt.
  • Improving Communication: Engage in open, honest, and respectful dialogue. Practice active listening and avoid interrupting or dismissing your partner’s concerns.
  • Seeking Counseling: Professional counseling can provide a safe space to explore underlying issues and develop healthier communication patterns.
  • Rebuilding Respect: Make a conscious effort to treat your partner with respect, even during disagreements. Focus on their positive qualities and express appreciation.

 

  1. Gottman Institute – The Four Horsemen: Contempt
    The Gottman Institute provides an in-depth look at contempt as one of the most destructive behaviors in relationships.
  2. Psychology Today – Contempt in Relationships: What It Is & How to Fix It
    This article explores the impact of contempt on relationships and offers practical advice for addressing it.
  3. Verywell Mind – Understanding Contempt in Relationships
    Verywell Mind discusses the causes and effects of contempt, as well as strategies for overcoming it.

 

Contempt can be devastating to a relationship, but it’s not an insurmountable issue. By recognizing the signs early and taking proactive steps to address it, couples can heal and strengthen their bond. If you’re struggling with contempt in your relationship, Connected Brain Counseling is here to help. Contact us today to schedule a free consultation and take the first step towards a healthier, more respectful relationship.

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Pauly Munn, MA, LPC

Individual & Couples Counselor; Neurofeedback Clinician; EMDR-Trained (PhD Candidate)

Pauly is a Colorado native who received his MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Regis University, and is a current doctoral candidate for a PhD in Clinical Psychology program at Fielding Graduate University. Pauly is an empathetic counselor who believes in a compassionate, yet direct approach to therapy. Pauly believes his clients are the experts of their experience. Through a collaborative lens, clients who work with Pauly are able to gain meaningful insight into their experience which in-turn provides the essential resources for navigating change and/or healing emotional wounds. Pauly utilizes an integrated trauma-informed lens blended with evidence-based modalities including ACT, CBT, EFT, and more. Pauly specializes in working with adult individuals and couples, with several years of experience working directly with a broad range of presenting challenges including relationship challenges, PTSD & complex trauma, substance use disorders, mood disorders, personality disorders, and more. More importantly, Pauly believes in building a safe space in which each and every one of his clients feels seen & heard. Pauly identifies as a Latino-American, and is passionate about conducting therapy utilizing a social justice & diversity-informed lens. Pauly has a strong background working with multicultural identities, and believes in the importance of recognizing our unique differences. Pauly loves staying active through basketball, tennis, volleyball, hiking, dancing, strength training, and more. Additionally, Pauly spends time actively engaging in ongoing research projects in trauma, social justice, and neuropsychology.

Pauly's Specialties

  • Depression
  • Complex Trauma
  • Couples Counseling
  • EMDR Trained
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Brianna Herrera, MA, LPCC

Individual & Couples Counselor; Neurofeedback Clinician

Brianna believes in a holistic approach to counseling, integrating mind, body, and spirit in her work with clients. She strives to help clients weave the various aspects of their lives together through a collaborative approach, meeting her clients where they’re at and partnering with them to create lasting change and a greater sense of wholeness in their lives. Brianna seeks to create a grounding and non-judgmental space where clients can explore their thoughts, emotions, and experiences with freedom and authenticity. She embraces a variety of evidence-based treatment modalities to best meet her clients’ specific needs and goals, such as trauma-informed CBT, DBT, mindfulness-based techniques, solution-focused therapy, emotion-focused therapy, and humanistic approaches. In her work with couples, Brianna focuses on helping partners improve communication, strengthen their emotional connection, and navigate challenges such as conflict resolution, intimacy issues, and life transitions. She believes that life-giving, functioning relationships are foundational to a person’s sense of well-being. Brianna is certified in facilitating both SYMBIS and Prepare-Enrich couples counseling sessions. In her free time, she can often be found adventuring outside with her husband and pup, hosting a game night, or enjoying time with community.

Brianna's Specialties

  • Couples + Dating Therapy
  • Pre/Postpartum
  • Anxiety
  • Women's Issues
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Sydney Focht, MA, LPC

Clinical Director & Counselor

I specialize in working with women in their 20s to 50s who struggle with self-worth, self-esteem, and the guilt that often comes with prioritizing themselves. Finding self-trust and the ability to feel worthy of happiness are common topics in my work. My clients tend to put off therapy because they downplay their struggles, describing their pain as ‘not that big of a deal.’ Many of them grew up in households where expressing emotions wasn’t encouraged and they are still looking for security now. My goal is to create a space where you feel completely free to be yourself—no pressure, no expectations. Therapy with me isn’t about either of us being ‘perfect’—it’s more about you feeling safe, seen, and supported as you figure things out in a way that works for you. I prioritize meaningful conversations that get to the heart of the issue, getting to the root and out of surface level conversation quickly. Going through my own therapy has given me a deeper understanding of what it’s like to be in the client’s seat, and it’s made me even more passionate about helping others find the support that truly works for them. My clients describe me as focused, compassionate, nonjudgmental, and down-to-earth. I truly love what I do and that comes through in my work! I’m a person-centered therapist, but I often integrate elements of Motivational Interviewing, CBT, and IFS.

Sydney's Specialties

  • Perfectionism
  • Eating Disorders
  • Grief/Loss
  • Women's Issues
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Cassandra Keller, MA, LPCC

Neurofeedback Clinician & Counselor (EMDR-Trained)

I support adults and teens (15+) who are ready to find relief from trauma, anxiety, depression, or feeling stuck in life, career, or identity transitions. Using a compassionate, trauma-informed, and integrative approach, I help clients reconnect with themselves and move toward balance and resilience. I’m EMDR-trained and draw from person-centered, gestalt, DBT, and somatic practices. Whether we’re working with the nervous system, processing painful memories, or exploring patterns with curiosity, my goal is to create a safe, collaborative space where you feel supported, present, and empowered to grow. I especially enjoy working with athletes, creative people, students, and outdoor adventurers who value resilience, beauty, and balance. Alongside therapy and grounding practices, I also offer neurofeedback as another powerful pathway for nervous system regulation and healing. Outside the office, you’ll often find me climbing, fly fishing, running trails, foraging, or relaxing in the grass under the aspens. My love for movement, play, and nature continually inspires how I show up with clients.

Cassandra's Specialties

  • Trauma and Developmental Trauma
  • Nervous System Regulation
  • Anxiety
  • Mind-Body Connection
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