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What is contempt in a relationship

Signs of Contempt

Contempt can manifest in various ways, both verbally and non-verbally. Some of the most common signs include:

  • Sarcasm and Mockery: These subtle insults are often disguised as humor but carry a deep sense of disdain.
  • Eye-Rolling: This gesture may seem minor, but it indicates dismissal and superiority over the other person’s feelings or opinions.
  • Hostile Humor: Making jokes at your partner’s expense, especially in public, is a form of contempt.
  • Name-Calling: Using derogatory terms or harsh labels that attack your partner’s character.
  • Dismissiveness: Ignoring or belittling your partner’s emotions or thoughts in a conversation.

These behaviors signal that respect has been lost and that the relationship is in danger of further deterioration.

The Emotional Toll of Contempt

When contempt becomes a regular part of communication, the emotional impact is profound. Partners may start feeling:

  • Undervalued: Constant put-downs make a person feel unappreciated.
  • Disconnected: Contempt leads to emotional withdrawal, creating a gap between partners.
  • Unloved: Over time, contempt can erode the love and affection that originally brought the couple together.

This emotional toll can severely affect the relationship’s health, leading to increased resentment, arguments, and potentially a breakup.

Contempt in a relationshipHow to Address Contempt in a Relationship

Recognizing contempt is the first step toward healing a relationship. Here are ways to address it:

  • Improve Communication: Open, honest, and respectful conversations can help rebuild emotional trust.
  • Show Empathy: Practicing empathy towards your partner’s perspective can reduce feelings of contempt.
  • Seek Professional Help: Counseling can provide a safe environment to explore the root causes of contempt and work towards healthier communication.
  • Rebuild Respect: Make a conscious effort to show appreciation and speak kindly, even in difficult moments.

By addressing contempt early, couples can repair their bond and strengthen their relationship.

Contempt is a destructive force in relationships that needs to be addressed as soon as it appears. If left unchecked, it can erode love, trust, and respect. However, with professional guidance and commitment from both partners, healing is possible.

  1. Gottman Institute – The Four Horsemen: Contempt
    The Gottman Institute explores contempt as one of the major predictors of relationship failure.
  2. Psychology Today – Contempt in Relationships
    This article dives into the causes and effects of contempt, as well as how to address it.
  3. Verywell Mind – Understanding Contempt in Relationships
    Verywell Mind explains the emotional toll of contempt and offers practical tips for dealing with it.

At Connected Brain Counseling, we offer couples therapy to help you and your partner overcome contempt and build a stronger connection. Schedule a free consultation today to take the first step toward a healthier relationship.

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Pauly Munn, MA, LPC

Individual & Couples Counselor; Neurofeedback Clinician; EMDR-Trained (PhD Candidate)

Pauly is a Colorado native who received his MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Regis University, and is a current doctoral candidate for a PhD in Clinical Psychology program at Fielding Graduate University. Pauly is an empathetic counselor who believes in a compassionate, yet direct approach to therapy. Pauly believes his clients are the experts of their experience. Through a collaborative lens, clients who work with Pauly are able to gain meaningful insight into their experience which in-turn provides the essential resources for navigating change and/or healing emotional wounds. Pauly utilizes an integrated trauma-informed lens blended with evidence-based modalities including ACT, CBT, EFT, and more. Pauly specializes in working with adult individuals and couples, with several years of experience working directly with a broad range of presenting challenges including relationship challenges, PTSD & complex trauma, substance use disorders, mood disorders, personality disorders, and more. More importantly, Pauly believes in building a safe space in which each and every one of his clients feels seen & heard. Pauly identifies as a Latino-American, and is passionate about conducting therapy utilizing a social justice & diversity-informed lens. Pauly has a strong background working with multicultural identities, and believes in the importance of recognizing our unique differences. Pauly loves staying active through basketball, tennis, volleyball, hiking, dancing, strength training, and more. Additionally, Pauly spends time actively engaging in ongoing research projects in trauma, social justice, and neuropsychology.

Pauly's Specialties

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  • EMDR Trained
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Brianna Herrera, MA, LPCC

Individual & Couples Counselor; Neurofeedback Clinician

Brianna believes in a holistic approach to counseling, integrating mind, body, and spirit in her work with clients. She strives to help clients weave the various aspects of their lives together through a collaborative approach, meeting her clients where they’re at and partnering with them to create lasting change and a greater sense of wholeness in their lives. Brianna seeks to create a grounding and non-judgmental space where clients can explore their thoughts, emotions, and experiences with freedom and authenticity. She embraces a variety of evidence-based treatment modalities to best meet her clients’ specific needs and goals, such as trauma-informed CBT, DBT, mindfulness-based techniques, solution-focused therapy, emotion-focused therapy, and humanistic approaches. In her work with couples, Brianna focuses on helping partners improve communication, strengthen their emotional connection, and navigate challenges such as conflict resolution, intimacy issues, and life transitions. She believes that life-giving, functioning relationships are foundational to a person’s sense of well-being. Brianna is certified in facilitating both SYMBIS and Prepare-Enrich couples counseling sessions. In her free time, she can often be found adventuring outside with her husband and pup, hosting a game night, or enjoying time with community.

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Sydney Focht, MA, LPC

Clinical Director & Counselor

I specialize in working with women in their 20s to 50s who struggle with self-worth, self-esteem, and the guilt that often comes with prioritizing themselves. Finding self-trust and the ability to feel worthy of happiness are common topics in my work. My clients tend to put off therapy because they downplay their struggles, describing their pain as ‘not that big of a deal.’ Many of them grew up in households where expressing emotions wasn’t encouraged and they are still looking for security now. My goal is to create a space where you feel completely free to be yourself—no pressure, no expectations. Therapy with me isn’t about either of us being ‘perfect’—it’s more about you feeling safe, seen, and supported as you figure things out in a way that works for you. I prioritize meaningful conversations that get to the heart of the issue, getting to the root and out of surface level conversation quickly. Going through my own therapy has given me a deeper understanding of what it’s like to be in the client’s seat, and it’s made me even more passionate about helping others find the support that truly works for them. My clients describe me as focused, compassionate, nonjudgmental, and down-to-earth. I truly love what I do and that comes through in my work! I’m a person-centered therapist, but I often integrate elements of Motivational Interviewing, CBT, and IFS.

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Cassandra Keller, MA, LPCC

Neurofeedback Clinician & Counselor (EMDR-Trained)

I support adults and teens (15+) who are ready to find relief from trauma, anxiety, depression, or feeling stuck in life, career, or identity transitions. Using a compassionate, trauma-informed, and integrative approach, I help clients reconnect with themselves and move toward balance and resilience. I’m EMDR-trained and draw from person-centered, gestalt, DBT, and somatic practices. Whether we’re working with the nervous system, processing painful memories, or exploring patterns with curiosity, my goal is to create a safe, collaborative space where you feel supported, present, and empowered to grow. I especially enjoy working with athletes, creative people, students, and outdoor adventurers who value resilience, beauty, and balance. Alongside therapy and grounding practices, I also offer neurofeedback as another powerful pathway for nervous system regulation and healing. Outside the office, you’ll often find me climbing, fly fishing, running trails, foraging, or relaxing in the grass under the aspens. My love for movement, play, and nature continually inspires how I show up with clients.

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